With respect to Bill Simmons, to whom this column is seriously indebted, we here at Stylus have started Vs. to bring you a series of battles between two similar items on the themes of music, movies, and television, breaking their merits down point by point and seeing which emerges victorious. Agree or disagree with the conclusions? You know the drill. But understand that our methods of empirical data analysis are in fact flawless and therefore should not be disputed.

BBC 1 6 O'Clock News, August 14th 1995

JOHN HUMPHREYS: Two of Britain's most popular pop groups have begun the biggest chart war in over 30 years. The Manchester band "Oasis" and their arch-rivals "Blur" have both released new singles today, each hoping to reach the number one spot next week. The music industry hasn't seen anything like it since The Beatles fought it out with The Rolling Stones in the 60s. Clive Myrie reports.

CLIVE MYRIE: It's been described as the British pop music heavyweight championship. In one corner, four young middle class men from the south of England collectively known as Blur, and in the other corner five young working class men from Manchester called Oasis. They're the two most popular bands in Britain, having sold millions of records, and they're currently engaged in a chart war that's set the music industry alight.

WHY THEY DESERVE TO BE COMPARED: The kids have gotta know. You grab your common-or-garden 13-year-old off the streets, they were one year old when this shit went down. They know Blur vs. Oasis, but to them it's just the Britpop version of the Battle of Adwalton Moor or the Battle of Chernaya River: it happened in the past, it's in the history books now, it was moderately important then, and it only has mild relevance now. You're dead wrong. Blur vs. Oasis was a Battle of Hastings, a Battle of Britain, the biggest news story of its day and something that's still defining the paradigm we're fucking about in today.

Take a look at those opening quotes. Absolutely ridiculous. The BBC 6 O'Clock News, arguably the most important and respected news program on the planet, devoted three of its 27 minute running time to discussing the fact that two bands were releasing a single on the same day. You can't call Blur vs Oasis "notable" or "important," it was legit news, something that transcended the field of "entertainment" and barged its way into current affairs.

And it's the alpha/omega of indie in Britain: the omega in that this was the last point that indie had any right to make claims to independence, and the alpha in that this was the point where broadsheet music critics had to stop writing about Deacon Blue and Joe Strummer and learn what the words "toilet circuit," "Camden," and "Lamacq" meant.

THE BATTLE
SIDE PROJECTS
Smokin' Mojo Filters vs. Fat Les. It's exactly like Sophie's Choice, if Sophie's kids both had Down's Syndrome. A straight-up battle between some of the worst people in the history of music (Paul Weller, him from Ocean Colour Scene) versus some of the worst people in the history of entertainment (Keith Allen, the inexplicable Rowland Rivron).

Widen the scope, however, and it becomes apparent that Blur have, if not strength in depth, then at least troops packed out with plenty of cannon fodder. Gorillaz, The Good The Bad etc, Me Me Me, WigWam, Graham's tuneless solo work, Damon twatting about in Mali... all your cutout bin favorites. All Oasis can really offer up in opposition is Noel playing on that Goldie album nobody bought, Noel playing on that Prodigy album nobody bought, Noel playing on that Cornershop album nobody bought, and Noel playing on the last Stands album, a CD so successful that the band's record label went bankrupt within three days of release.

Winner: BLUR

COMEDIC TALENT
I was eagerly awaiting snippets of Wildean genius when I was looking up old Gallagher interviews for this section, and was instead greeted by a guy who actually pisses and whines a lot more than you realize. However, if it's quotes you want, this did raise a moderate smile:

"George Harrison, right, I'll tell you about him. I met his son Dani in New York last week, waiting to get on the Concorde. He was already pissed, on the flight back we had about 25 Bloody Marys and he arrived at Heathrow rolling—I had to get his bag and stick it on the trolley. Guess who's waiting to meet him when the doors open? George Harrison, who's been slagging my brother off. I've got my arm around his son, and he's smoking four fags. He's as pissed as a fucking arse. He goes, 'Hey dad, he's all right you know.' And I say, 'Hello George, here's your son. You have just been Gallaghered. Go and puke up in your Ashford home, while my stomach gently retches."Peak Noel. This quote alone justified the entire feature. —DP, 2024

Winner: OASIS

THE ONE SONG THEY DID THAT AMERICANS KNOW
"Song 2" vs. "Wonderwall." The former got to #6 on the US Modern Rock chart, the latter to #1. The former has been covered by Weezer, The Wallflowers, AFI, and My Chemical Romance. The latter by Cat Power, Ryan Adams, the Beastie Boys, and Paul Anka. The former gets played at a bunch of hockey games, the latter was in episodes of "Nip/Tuck" and "Lost."

"Wonderwall" is an odd song, because if you went out there and quizzed your bog-standard 12 CDs a year punter between the ages of, say, 20 and 35 and asked them to name The Best Single Of The '90s, they'd probably go with either "Wonderwall" or "Unfinished Sympathy." I like "Wonderwall," though. It's one of the best dirges to have ever cracked the UK charts, it's Oasis at what their best should be: derivative and unsurprising. "Song 2," on the other hand, sucks.

Winner: OASIS

IS ALEX JAMES A MEMBER OF THE BAND?
Blur: Yes, he is.
Oasis: No, he isn't.

Winner: OASIS

FINAL SCORE: OASIS 5, BLUR 4

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